How do we grieve? Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain. ― Melody Beattie

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book, On Death and Dying, defined the five stages of dying ― how terminally-ill people experience the end of life. In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss,  Kübler-Ross and David A. Kessler applied the five stages of dying to the grieving that comes from any profound loss, such as the death of a loved one, death of a pet, divorce, relationship break-up, disability, financial despair, and other personal catastrophe.

The stages of loss describe the emotions and behaviors most people will experience during the grief process. There are different traditions of bereavement and mourning throughout cultures, religions, and regions of the world, but each person’s unique grief experience essentially contains the same stages of loss. The stages can overlap, come one at a time, or go back and forth between two or more stages. There is no set pattern or length of time in the grief process.

Physical effects also occur during the grief process, and may include fatigue and lack of energy, changes in sleeping patterns, changes in eating patterns (loss of appetite or overeating), sensitivity to noise, confusion, loss of concentration, tight feelings in the throat, heaviness in the chest, headaches, and gastrointestinal problems. Physical health may become impaired as the stress of grief weakens the immune system, making people vulnerable to illness and disease.

Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost. . . . Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain. ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David A. Kessler, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

The Overlapping Stages of Loss in the Grief Process

Shock and Denial. This can’t be happening. It’s not true! NO! Shock is the first experience – a temporary escape from reality. Its numbness provides protection from being emotionally overwhelmed all at once. Your actions are mechanical and you may feel as if you’re in a fog or having a bad dream. Feelings of disbelief are at their highest. You may not be able to identify your emotions and may be unable to cry.

Anger. Why me? It’s not fair! Why didn’t I do things differently. You may be angry at God, family, yourself, the one who died, everything.  Because this is the time of frustration, blame, self-blame, and guilt, you will be most tempted to abuse alcohol or drugs, isolate, or act out – all of which make the pain last longer and hurt your relationships with others. Making decisions is difficult because all your energy is in the emotions rather than in problem solving.

Bargaining.  Why is this happening? Why did this happen to me? I’ll do anything to make things as they were before. This stage provides temporary escape and hope, allowing you time to adjust to the reality of your loss. You bargain or try to strike a deal with God, yourself, or others to make the pain go away. You start looking for answers in the hope that things can go back to life as it was before. If no answers come, if silence is the only reply, you feel angry and frustrated. You may lose trust and faith in family, friends, and God, isolating yourself from their love and support.

Depression.  I’m so sad, why bother with anything? What’s the point? Nothing matters anymore. You feel exhausted and detached from life. You may withdraw from friends and family although you feel painfully alone. Angry feelings will persist. Things that used to bring you joy may now seem purposeless.

Acceptance.  I’m going to be okay. This is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off. You simply begin accepting the reality of your loss and adjusting to the changes in your life with a new understanding of yourself. You’ve allowed others to support you in your grieving. There still may be short periods of time when depression, sadness, and anger rear up again, but you have learned how to cope with these feelings in a healthy way. You know the world will never be the same as it was before, but there is a future with hope, meaning, and purpose.

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A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis  For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

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 Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott  Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a Lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence. 

A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One by Carol Staudacher  Some survivors try to think their way through grief. That doesn’t work. Grief is a releasing process, a discovery process, a healing process. We cannot release or discover or heal by the use of our minds alone. The brain must follow the heart at a respectful distance. It is our hearts that ache when a loved one dies. It is our emotions that are most drastically affected. Certainly the mind suffers, the mind recalls, the mind may plot and plan and wish, but it is the heart that will blaze the trail through the thicket of grief.